AFTER ALL: Why be successful when you could be a hack for half the price, a third of the work and triple the ego?
If you’re sick and tired of making a difference, working with purpose and putting forth focused effort that matters, consider these eight suggestions for becoming a hack:
1. Buy a lower score. In the same way that wanker golfers spend thousands of dollars on fancy clubs, balls and periscope night vision range finding binoculars, your mission is to spend as much money as possible on similar tools that will convince people you’re successful.
Buying an IPad is a great start. Or, if that’s not cool enough for you, I hear the Apple store now offers wifi cranial implants that enable you to check your email while waiting in line to upgrade to first class for your thirty minute flight to Dallas.
That way you can board the plane first and spend the next twenty minutes updating your Facebook status with irrelevant life details that your non-friends don’t care about.
As long as every other passenger passes you buy and sees how important and demand you are, it’s all worth it!
2. Always talk of the future. Screw the present moment. Save all that new age, power of now crap for Eckhart Tolle and his cushion-sitting cronies. Your focus should only be on what’s next, what’s new, and what exciting project or endeavor you have coming up that you’re probably never going to execute anyway.
Never tell people what you’re doing right now, or what you’ve successful executed in the past. Rather, only talk about what you plan to do. Proof is the enemy. Action is the allergy. Talking your ideas into the ground is the only thing that matters.
Why make progress on things that count when you could make motion on things that nobody cares about?
3. Treat every phone call as a 911 emergency. Even if it’s just some random housewife who read your mediocre ebook and wants to find out more about your valueless six-month coaching program.
The secret is to address all callers as if you were talking them down from the edge of the Chrysler Building. Also, be sure to check your IPhone at least forty times an hour. Especially while the people you’re having meaningful, face to face conversations with want nothing more that a friend to listen to them.
Not only will your insulting multitasking solidify your inflated sense of self-importance; but people will also walk away from conversations with you feeling unimportant and unheard. It’s a twofer!
4. Have loud cell phone conversations. Also, when you take unimportant phone calls from people who don’t matter (that are never going to hire you anyway) speak clearly and with enough volume and emotion so anyone within twenty yards can hear.
They’ll be instantly seduced by your mystique. Just remember my mantra: It’s not a phone call – it’s a performance. Listening to the person on the other end of the line isn’t nearly as important as the impressing dozens of strangers around you who never liked you in the first place.
5. Attend every networking event in town. That way, people will never actually see you doing what you. All they see is you, working the room, forever maintaining a veneer of marginal success.
What better way to become memorable for the wrong reasons!
The point is: You don’t (really) need to be successful – just successful at looking like you’re successful. After all, who needs to be an entrepreneur when you can be mannequin?
6. Props are essential. Another way to convert yourself into a Woody Woodpecker sized float in the non-stop parade of self-importance is with props. Make sure you never leave home without your arsenal of unnecessary technologies that lower productivity and annoy everyone around you.
Especially hands-free blue tooth headsets. After all, you wouldn’t want to have a phone conversation without the ability to multitask, right? Duh.
How else are you supposed to offend the person on the other line while simultaneously adding additional stress to your life that drives your unloved children farther away from you?
7. Become a casual mentioning expert. Next, never let a conversation sneak by without casually mentioning one (or more!) of the following items:
Your legions of fans, your platinum status, how you never could have made it this far without Jesus, or your infinitely supportive husband, Winston, who actually works a real job while you spend his hard-earned cash on Google Ad words for your Amazing New 6-CD System that teaches people how to leverage social media into paying clients.
The point is: You’re always on stage. Every conversation is an interview. And you need to be camera-ready sister!
8. Save downtime for the afterlife. Finally, never let anybody see you pause, breathe, slow down or, God forbid, stop. Busy equals successful. And the moment someone spots you doing anything other than handing out business cards, money will slowly start to seep out of your bank account.
Walk fast and purposeful everywhere you go. Even to the bathroom. Chop-chop! No time to waste. You’re very important. Also, consider having your virtual assistant, Kyla; book at least five meetings a day – all within ten minutes of each other.
That way you can arrive to each new appointment out of breath, sweating and stressed out, thus convincing people that you’re in high demand all the time.
This reminds them that your time is valuable, billable and could easily be filled by somebody more important at any time.
REMEMBER: Mediocrity is only a blue tooth away.
I challenge you to begin incorporating these practices into your sub-par life today.
Who knows? Perhaps one day you, too, will join the ranks of inconsequential cogs whose work doesn’t count.
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How are you hacking success?
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For the list called, “8 Ways to Out Give the Competition,” send an email to me, and you win the list for free!
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That Guy with the Nametag
Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur, Mentor
Never the same speech twice.
Always about approachability.
Watch The Nametag Guy in action here!