You’re terrible with names. You forget someone’s name within ten seconds of their introduction, and it embarrasses you. In fact, it’s possible you won’t even approach someone whose name you have forgotten. As a result, you will miss out on a valuable business contact.

If you go out of your way to identify and amplify names, it is the easiest thing to show people you appreciate them. A person’s name is the difference between a stranger and a friend; the difference between a prospect and a client; and the difference between ‘that guy,’ and ‘Marty, my newest customer.’

But in addition to mastery of these skills, it is equally important to understand why you forget them. If you target this problem at its source, you discover ways to eliminate name forgetting before it begins. You will also become more attune of what stands in your way to make enriching connections with new people.

Attitude
I’m bad with names. I can only remember faces. I always forget people. I don’t think I’ll ever improve my memory for names. I feel guilty when I ask the person to repeat their name again and again.

Change your attitude! You can’t continue to make excuses and apologize to people if you forgot their names. If you tell yourself you’re terrible with names, you’re always going to be terrible – it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. Moreover, if you apologize to people, you only remind them that you’re terrible!

Focus
I failed to focus on the moment of introduction. I was too busy worrying about the correct handshake. I was overly self conscious about my first impression with the new client. I thought about me and not about them.

Forget about you. Focus on them. This is the foundation of customer loyalty. Smile and make eye contact as soon as they say their name. Repeat it back to them within four seconds. Don’t worry…when you do remember their name, you will make a good first impression.

The Name Itself
I forgot their name because it’s complicated. I forgot their name because it’s too long. I forgot their name because it’s derived from a culture different than my own.

Ask them about the spelling, origin or context of their name. The longer and more unusual a name, the easier it will be to inquire further. As such, this not only allows them to repeat their name, but you appeal to their personal interests. It shows them you care about their personal information, flatters them and makes them feel valued. Usually, they will be glad to tell you about their name.

Memory
I forgot a customer’s name within ten seconds of introduction. I drew a complete mental blank. I was humiliated.

This occurs because a person’s name is the single context of human memory most apt to be forgotten. So, widen other areas of your memory circuit and repeat the name out loud in the beginning, during and at the end of the conversation. When you speak the name, hear the name, and listen to yourself say the name, you will remember it.

Assumption
I assume someone will tell me their name. I assume my coworker will introduce me. I assume names aren’t a big deal.

Be the first to ask. Go out of your way to find out people’s names. Take your colleague aside and tell them to introduce you to the person clearly and properly. When they do introduce you, be certain to make eye contact with your new associate. This forces you to concentrate on his or her face and name and block out noises and distractions.

Substitution
I accidentally put the wrong names with the wrong people. I confused people’s faces. I saw someone’s name as an arbitrary fact, and did not turn it into a meaningful representation of them.

Look at people’s facial features when they tell you their name. Dramatize those features and make a memorable connection between the person and their name. The crazier the connection, the easier the name will be to remember.

Overload
I was introduced to several customers at the same time. My brain was overloaded. Five names went in one ear and out the other. My memory for names has diffused.

Ask the person who introduced you to quietly repeat everyone’s name in your ear. Then, go around the group and say their names to yourself while you look at their faces. Say them over and over again in your head during the conversation. Do this several times. If all else fails, write the names down, look at their business cards, and/or visualize the person’s face while you consult your notes.

Practice. Practice. Practice. That’s the hard part. But over time you will learn how different methods and tools for name memory will work best for you. Whichever learning style best suits your personality; use any combination of visual, aural or dramatic techniques to remember names.

Attitude. Attitude. Attitude. That’s the easy part. As practice enhances your name memory over time, it only takes a few seconds to decide to change your attitude. Don’t tell yourself that you can’t remember names! Once you have made the decision to go out of your way to remember them, it will only be easier to acquire and master the skill.

Whether you’re on a sales call, in the field, work at a conference or serendipitously meet someone again at the grocery store, if you remember someone’s name it will be more valuable to you than gold.

You know how it feels when someone goes out of their way to remember your name. That warm sense of appreciation rings in your ear and resonates like a bell down to your heart. It is a pulse of pure human energy. And every time it happens, it brings us closer together. It fulfills our capacity to instantly and effortlessly connect with each other.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
The last time someone forgot your name, how did that make you feel?

The following questions come directly from hand-written audience evaluations from my speeches. I hope they provide you with great insight into approachability!

What are some approach techniques?
If two or more people are talking in a circle or small group, here’s what you do:

1. Approach the group and smile. Don’t cross your arms and make eye contact with whoever is speaking.
2. Don’t say anything, wait for someone to speak to you first.
3. Use all three head nod speeds: slow = I follow you, medium = I agree, fast = I’m excited.
4. If you can, find an appropriate time to chime in, either introduce yourself or comment on something that’s been said.
5. Have fun!

If you walk into a room, club, party, event or bar and don’t know anybody, you can always walk up to someone and say, ‘Hi, my name is Brian. I don’t know anybody here!’ This might elicit responses like:

1. ‘Oh, well then please join us! Nice to meet you Brian!’
2. ‘That’s cool, I don’t know anybody either. I’m Sarah.’
3. ‘Really? Are you new on campus? First time here?’
4. ‘Get the hell away from me you weirdo!’ (Answer not likely)

What are tips for intros and goodbyes?
I always suggest the H.O.T. technique, aka ‘Home of The…’ You say, ‘Hi, I’m Mark from Pittsburgh – home of the greatest football team in the NFL.’ You could also use your affiliation. For example, ‘I’m Seth, President of ACACIA – home of the best Halloween party on campus!’

Exit lines are also great opportunities to have fun and try something unique. My girlfriend, for example, always tells her customers at Kinko’s, ‘Well, my name’s Jackie and I’m the only girl here – holler if you need me!’

The key is: be memorable. Think about what ever other person in the room is going to say. Avoid it. Showcase your uniqueness. Put your person first.

How do you approach different types of people?
Let’s start with approaching men vs. women. In the book The Power of Charm, Brian Tracy suggests the following trends: a woman’s key needs are affection, attention and respect; whereas a man’s key needs are achievement, status and respect of key people. Converse accordingly.

Then there’s The New Guy. Not necessarily a guy, but someone who is a first timer. This is a person who most likely feels uncomfortable. Your job is to a) be his first friend, b) get him talking about himself, and c) introduce him to others so he feels like he’s part of the group.

How can you use your uniqueness to your advantage?
Ask yourself these questions: what are you all about? What’s your ‘thing’? What’s something you can do better than anyone? Find the answer and find your passion. This is your uniqueness. Then be sure to bring that uniqueness to the surface in every conversation.

Why? First, it’s easy to talk about. Second, you’ll get enthusiastic when you do talk about it. Third, the other person will feel comfortable sharing their uniqueness as a result.

What are some ways to overcome failure?
Small victories first. Figure out what you’re failing at. Is it public speaking? Cool. You’re not alone! My suggestion is, try smaller scale situations and work your way up. Perhaps making a toast at a dinner table full of friends/family would be a good start, even singing karaoke! By the time you’ve had enough smaller scale practice, you should be able to move to the next level with greater confidence.

How do you open and approach random people?
Think of it this way: if a complete stranger approached you, what would you do? What would you want him to say? What would you NOT want him to say?

Think back to the motivators of human engagement. Learn, Influence, Play, Help and Relate. I always suggest, ‘Excuse me, but I’ve never been here before and…’ This is a surefire way to appeal to someone’s helpful side. Usually opening with that statement empowers them to act in a kinder way. Other similar examples are, ‘Hi, I need your help…’ or ‘Can you help me out for a sec?’

How can I have the confidence to just walk up to somebody?
Some people have the following self-limiting beliefs in this situation: ‘They won’t say hello back to me. They won’t be interested in me. I will make a fool of myself!’

This is the number one reason people don’t start conversations: fear of rejection. However, practice will make this fear fade away. The more you often you start conversations, the better you will become at it. So, be the first to introduce yourself or say hello. When you take an active instead of a passive role, your skills will develop and there will be less of a chance for rejection.

Also understand the gains vs. losses. For example, what’s so bad about a rejection from someone you don’t even know? On the other hand, a new contact awaits your introduction!

How can you use trivia in conversation?
Trivia is a great way to get a conversation rolling, spice up an encounter or show someone that you’ve taken an active interest in them or their organization.

Here’s what I mean: let’s say you and some friends are going out to a particular club or restaurant. Perhaps you could do some research on Google and get a few pieces of cool trivia about the place. Also, if you’re attending an athletic event, pieces of trivia about the players or the sport in general should be a piece of cake to find and use in conversations.

The key with trivia is preparation. Are you willing to spend a few extra minutes before you leave to get some juicy tidbits? Hey, why not write them down on a little cheat sheet and glance at it from time to time? You might feel silly, but you’d feel a whole lot sillier with nothing to say!

How can I be open with people and not shy about it?
The easiest way to not by shy and open with others is to get them to be open with you first. After someone has shared what they’re passionate about, for example, you will feel comfortable doing the same. For that reason, ask specific, open-ended questions that help you discover their passion so you will feel more comfortable reciprocating when the time is right.

How is approachability personally beneficial for my own well being?
According to a recent issue of Psychology Today, given a choice between an outing with good friends or an evening with strangers, most people would choose their friends. But according to a new study, we might have a better time—and go home in a better mood—if we chose to make new acquaintances.

For example: in 2005 a University of Pennsylvania psychologist randomly assigned college students to bowl by themselves, with close friends or with complete strangers. To Rashid’s surprise, he found participants who bowled with strangers were happier than students who hand-picked buddies to accompany them (and, as expected, people who bowled by themselves). For those who made new friends, the experience was similar to a successful date. Says Rashid, “They were euphoric.”

After reading and researching thousands of books, articles and other resources on communication, first impressions, networking and conversation, I’ve learned one thing: none of them address what approachability means. Or maybe they just don’t take the time to define it, stress its importance and offer suggestions on how to maximize it.

That research was my impetus for writing The Power of Approachability. I wanted to give people a clear picture of what the idea meant, along with many small tips and suggestions to put that idea to use – one conversation at a time.

So, straight from the pages of the book, here are my Top Ten Ways to Maximize Your Approachability.

Ready to Engage
The word approachability derives from the Latin verb appropriare, which means ‘to come nearer to.’ Interesting. It doesn’t say anything about the approach-er or the approach-ee. Just ‘to come nearer to.’ So the first idea to remember is that approachability is a two way street. It’s both you stepping onto someone else’s front porch; and you inviting someone to step onto your front porch.

Although this article will address both sides of the street, here’s an example of the former. When you arrive at a meeting, event, party or anywhere in which many conversations will take place, prepare yourself. Be ‘ready to engage’ with conversation topics, questions and stories in the back of your mind ready to go as soon as you meet someone. This will help you avoid those awkward ‘How’s the weather’ type of discussions.

CPI
This acronym stands for the Common Point of Interest. It’s an essential element to every conversation and interaction. Your duty, as you meet new people, or even as you talk with those you already know, is to discover the CPI as soon as possible. It connects people to you. It allows them to feel more comfortable talking to you. And it increases your approachability inasmuch as people will be magnetized to you due to the commonality you share.

A great tip is to ask the right type of questions. Similar to our first example, ‘ready to engage,’ you don’t want to ask people about the weather. You can do better than that! Instead, ask questions that begin with ‘What’s your favorite…’ ‘Tell me the best…’ or ‘When was the last time…’ The CPI is almost guaranteed to be discovered.

Flavored Answers
In the event that one of those Fruitless Questions like ‘How’s it going?’ ‘What’s up?’ or ‘How are you?’ comes up, don’t fall into the F.I.N.E. trap. In fact, fine isn’t even a word. No, seriously! I looked the word up in 23 different dictionaries and it wasn’t listed! Upon further research I discovered that F.I.N.E. is an acronym for ‘Feelings I’m Not Expressing.’

A great technique is to offer a Flavored Answer to a Fruitless Question. Instead of ‘fine,’ try ‘Amazing!’ ‘Any better and I’d be twins!’ or ‘Everything is beautiful.’ Your conversation partner will instantly change his or her demeanor as they smile and, most of the time, inquirer further to find out what made you say that answer. Because nobody expects it. And offering a true response to magnify the way you feel is a perfect way to share yourself with others, or ‘make yourself personally available’ to others.

Don’t Cross Your Arms
Even if it’s cold, even if you’re bored, even if you’re tired and don’t want to be there – don’t cross your arms. It’s such a simple, subconscious non-verbal cue that too many people practice and it hinders their approachability.

As a result, people won’t want to ‘bother’ you. They will form the impression that you are defensive, nervous, judgmental, close minded or skeptical. Honestly, would you want to approach someone like that? I know I wouldn’t.

Don’t Assume
Every time you assume, you end up making an … yeah, yeah, yeah – we get it. Or do we? How many times have we uttered one of the following sentences, only to be stricken with a terrible case of Foot-In-Mouth Disease?

You must be new here?

How’s work going?

Do you remember me?

Remember, just because someone walks in whom you’ve never seen before – doesn’t mean he’s new. Or just because you’re at a networking meeting – doesn’t mean everyone in attendance has a job. And believe me, not everyone you remember – remembers you.

Approachability is a function of comfort, so it’s important to sidestep these moments of embarrassment with Success Sentences. These are phrases that allow the other person to offer you’re the information you need to know. Examples include, ‘I’m not sure we’ve met before,’ ‘What are you working on this week?’ and ‘I’m Scott, we met last month at the Chamber meeting.’

Options for Communication
Your friends, colleagues, customers and coworkers will chose to communicate with you in different ways. Some will choose face to face, some will email, others will call, while others will do a little of everything. The bottom line is: make all of them available. On your business cards, email signatures, websites or marketing materials, let people know that can get in touch with you in whatever manner they choose. Sure, you might prefer email. But what matters most is the comfort of the other person and their ability to communicate effectively.

A good idea is to give people as many options to contact you as possible. There’s nothing more annoying to a ‘phone person’ than when she discovers she can’t get a hold of you unless she emails you.

Email Signature
Whatever program you use for email – Outlook, Eudora, Yahoo, Hotmail – find out how to customize your signature. There’s nothing more frustrating than receiving an email from someone who wants to talk further, get together or have you send them something that doesn’t have any personal information in the email. So at the end of every email you send, always cross reference the following information:

Name

Title

Company/Organization

Mailing address

At least two phone numbers

Fax number

Email address

Website

A sentence or two about yourself, your company or your job

Think of it this way: have you ever received a handwritten letter from someone that had no return address stamped on the envelope?

Always Have Business Cards
Have you ever told a story about a successful, serendipitous business encounter that ended with the phrase, ‘Thank God I had one of my business cards with me that day!’? If so, great! You’re practicing approachability by being ‘easy to reach.’

If not, you’ve no doubt missed out on valuable relationships and opportunities. And it happens – people forget cards, get their supply reprinted or change jobs. But the bottom line is; there is a time and place for networking: ANY time and ANY place. Because you just never know whom you might meet.

No Fear
They won’t say hello back to me. They won’t be interested in me. I will make a fool of myself.

This is the number one reason people don’t start conversations. However, practice will make this fear fade away. The more you often you start conversations, the better you will become at it. So, be the first to introduce yourself or say hello. When you take an active instead of a passive role, your skills will develop and there will be less of a chance for rejection. Also understand the gains vs. losses. For example, what’s so bad about a rejection from someone you don’t even know?

Wear Your Nametag
I’ve heard every possible complaint about wearing nametags, and all of them can be validated. Case in point:

Nametags look silly – yes, they do. But remember, everyone else is wearing them too.

Nametags ruin my clothes – not if you wear them on the edge of your lapel or use cloth-safe connectors like lanyards and plastic clips.

But I already know everybody – no you don’t. You may think you do, but new people come in and out of businesses and organizations all the time.

But everyone already knows me – no they don’t. Even the best networkers know there’s always someone new to meet.

Your nametag is your best friend for several reasons. First of all, a person’s name is the single context of human memory most forgotten. And people are less likely to approach you if they don’t know (or forgot) your name. Secondly, it’s free advertising for you and your company. Third, nametags encourage people to be friendly and more approachable. TRUST me on that one!

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Who is the most approachable person you know?

One out of every ten Americans has a fear of talking to strangers. When you enter a room full of new faces, to start these conversations seems like an impossible task. You wait and wait and hope to God someone else says hello first, but the apprehensive silence persists. Then nobody talks to anybody.

This unwillingness to communicate will result in missed opportunities to meet new friends and make valuable connections. Your initial timidity takes time and practice to overcome. However, the more often you throw yourself into the sea, the less likely the waves are to bother you.

Below are four major roadblocks that stand in your way of starting conversations. The solutions to these problems will equip you with the motivation to stop falling asleep behind the conversational wheel.

The Fear of Rejection
They won’t say hello back to me. They won’t be interested in me. I will make a fool of myself.

This is the number one reason people don’t start conversations. However, practice will make this fear fade away. The more you often you start conversations, the better you will become at it. So, be the first to introduce yourself or say hello. When you take an active instead of a passive role, your skills will develop and there will be less of a chance for rejection. Also understand the gains vs. losses. For example, what’s so bad about a rejection from someone you don’t even know? On the other hand, a new contact awaits your introduction!

Nothing Good to Say
I can’t think of anything good to say. I never break the ice. Opening lines are difficult to put into action.

Be certain to ask open ended questions with such words as ‘How is…?’ ‘Why are…?’ and ‘What was…?’ These questions elicit elaboration, explanation and show the other person you have taken an interest in them. Also give a compliment about something you’ve noticed followed by a related inquiry. Not only does this appeal to someone’s personal interests, but it flatters them and satisfies the number one human desire to feel appreciated. Finally, offer an interesting piece of knowledge or trivia. Facts like these are more engaging than the weather and will lead your conversation to new and exciting directions.

Uncertainty of Involvement
All of these people are strangers. I came into the conversation too late. I’m not sure how to get involved with the discussion.

Be an active listener. Make eye contact with the speaker. And, keep your ears open for iceberg statements. These are pieces of free information where ninety percent is under the surface ready to be talked about. For example, listen for an implied statement about someone’s family or a key phrase such as ‘independent contractor.’ Be sure to smile, nod and respond with follow up inquiries. This allows you to become included as a part of the conversation.

Perception of Conversational Value
Small talk is a waste of my time. There’s no reason to interact to these people. I won’t gain anything if I say hello to the woman next to me.

Yes you will! You will gain something if you talk to the woman next to you. People start conversations for five reasons: to help, to learn, to relate, to influence and to play. Think of the potential value! And you never know whom you will meet. ‘Fear not to entertain strangers for in so doing some will entertain angels unaware.’ Remember, some people enter into your lives and change it forever. But, until you own the attitude that every conversation will affect your life, whatever gain is accrued when you engage in social interaction will continue to be outweighed by your fear.

Ultimately, initiating the conversation is half the battle. It’s the most difficult part of interpersonal communication, and therefore an important skill to master. Overcoming your initial fear of rejection will come as you start more conversations, more often. When you use open ended questions which appeal to the needs and interests of others, the probability of rejection will significantly reduce. And, when you become a more active listener with the attitude that conversations do have value, you no longer have to worry about falling asleep behind the conversational wheel.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
When was the last time you didn’t feel comfortable starting a conversation?

Picture this: you’re standing in a room full of strangers, not talking to a soul. You’re hoping to make at least one connection, but can’t seem to get the ball rolling. Eventually you think, ‘This is ridiculous. Why can’t I start a conversation with anyone?’

The answer to that question runs deeper than you might think.

Starting conversations not only depends on your communication skills; it’s also a function of your self-confidence. In this article, we will explore 9 common barriers that stand in your way of conversational approachability.

BARRIER #1: I don’t want to be rejected.
This is the big one. The number one hindrance to approaching someone else: the fear of rejection.

In Triumph Over Shyness, Philip Zombardo states, ‘Shy people are often attracted to those who do not return the affection, which is a very painful way of creating safety.’

Yes, it can be scary. But the truth is, rejection is part of life. You can’t evade it forever. Also, assuming that you can’t handle rejection is a mistaken belief. Besides, more often than not, rejection isn’t as bad as you think. After all, what’s so bad about being rejected by someone you hardly even know? Don’t let a few no’s stand in your way of stepping up to bat again in the future.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Win a few small victories first. Go to the mall and practice approaching cashiers, clerks, salespeople, kiosk operators and the like. They can’t reject you! These smaller successes will build your confidence and equip you with positive experiences to dwell upon in the future.

BARRIER #2: I don’t have anything good to say.
First of all, 93% of all conversation is nonverbal. So, don’t get too hung up on your words. Concentrate on having approachable, open body language first. Smile, don’t cross your arms, maintain open posture, keep your hands away from your face and maintain eye contact with everyone within 4-10 feet of you. Many people – even extroverts – miss the boat on this crucial component of communication.

Secondly, consider this: the only thing people can judge about you is how engaging with you makes them feel. It’s like Mother Theresa said, ‘People won’t remember what you said, or what you did; but they will never forget the way you made them feel.’

And finally, who says there’s a ‘right’ thing to say all of the time? Not everything you say has to be supremely witty, brilliant or quotable. Again, the secret isn’t in what or how much you have to say, but in how you make people feel. Focus less on YOUR self, YOUR insecurities and YOUR discomfort, and more on the conversational needs of others. Be a great listener. Ask open-ended questions that begin with ‘What’s your experience?’ and ‘What’s your favorite?’ An increased focus on others will help you overlook your own insecurities.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
If you don’t think you have anything good to say, make a ‘Conversation Cheat Sheet’ before you leave the house. Grab an index card and write out the following: three great questions, three interesting pieces of information, trivia current points of interest and three of your favorite stories you’ve told a million times. That should be enough material to last for weeks!

BARRIER #3: I don’t want to waste that person’s time.
This belief is based on the mistaken assumption that you’re not worth talking to. That you’re not good enough for a few minutes of someone’s precious time.

Wrong. An attitude like this characterizes a negative self-image, which often stems from negative past programming. For example, it’s possible that someone you know – a parent, a teacher, a boss – probably told you ‘you’re not good enough,’ ‘you don’t matter’ or ‘you’re worthless’ in the past.

Sadly, harmful comments like these have a profound effect on the future of your approachability.

HERE’S THE SECRET: in Shad Helmstetter’s What to Say When You Talk To Yourself, he explores the power of your thoughts. His work proves that if you first flood your mind with positive thoughts, you will enhance your self-belief. If you enhance your self believe, you will change your attitude. And if you change your attitude, you will change your actions.

Therefore, the key is simple: change your programming.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Every morning for one month, read a series of positive, attitude building affirmations. It might sound like a silly exercise, but this stuff works! Try phrases like ‘I am a confident communicator,’ ‘shyness is not a problem for me,’ ‘I am willing to step out of my comfort zone,’ and ‘I feel relaxed when I communicate with new people.’ These affirming phrases are almost certain to raise your confidence level.

BARRIER #4: I have a toothache.
In other words, you’re TOO tall, TOO old, TOO ugly, TOO new, TOO young, TOO inexperienced and the like. Really? According to whom? Is that what YOU believe; or is that what your friends, parents, the media and others have told you about yourself?

Either way, consider these three facts:

FACT #1: You are what you are because of the way other people see you. We never call ourselves a name until someone else offers us that label first. Interestingly, that happens to be the leading characteristic of most shy people: others tell them that they’re shy.

FACT #2: Change in attitude = change in how you act = change in how people see you = change in how you see yourself. So, cliché as it may sound, it all starts with a positive attitude about yourself. I think Norman Vincent Peale said it best: ‘Since you must sell yourself before selling your goods, you must sell yourself on yourself. So believe in yourself.’

FACT #3: You are your own worst critic. You are a biased observer and will see what you want to see, not what other people truly see. Remember that.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Make a list of all of your ‘toothaches.’ Then, reverse them and put ‘I believe’ in front of each along with a positive attribute. Instead of ‘I’m too old,’ write ‘I believe my age gives me wisdom and experience that can help others.’ Read this list to yourself every morning. These affirmations will reprogram, reinforce and rebuild your self-image.

BARRIER #5: I will embarrass or humiliate myself.
Says who? You have absolutely no way of predicting such outcomes. Zombardo (ibid.) explains that shy people often assume they will be embarrassed because, at some point in the past, they were once embarrassed. They are dwelling on the reality of the past rather than the potential of the future.

They key to overcoming this assumption is twofold. First, you need to put a few points on the board. In other words, concentrate on your past victories. Think about the last few times you engaged in successful conversations. Did you laugh all night with your new friend? Develop a new relationship? Make a valuable business contact? If you search your memory, you’re bound to uncover a few gems from your past when you ‘did it right.’

Secondly, think about the myriad benefits to meeting someone new: learning, laughing, expanding your network, having fun, sharing opinions and experiences, connecting with new people, even better health!

That’s right, better health. Check this out…

According to a recent issue of Psychology Today, we might have a better time—and go home in a better mood—if we chose to make new acquaintances. In 2005 a University of Pennsylvania psychologist randomly assigned college students to bowl by themselves, with close friends or with complete strangers. To the doctors’ surprise, they found participants who spent their time with strangers were happier than the students who handpicked buddies to accompany them.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Next time you attend an event, try to split your time evenly between friends and strangers. If you walk in the door with someone you know, make it a goal to NOT sit together.

BARRIER #6: I’m waiting for the other person to make the first move.
Big mistake. You can’t expect someone else to do all the work! Simply waiting for someone else to make the first move and draw you out of your isolation won’t work. This technique is both ineffective and out of your control.

REMEMBER: approachability is a two-way street. It’s both proactive (approach-ER), and reactive (approach-EE). So, concentrate on both stepping out AND welcoming others in.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Think about the last time you went to an event, party or function where you didn’t know many people. Think about the different techniques that other people used to initiate conversations with you. What did you like? What did you not like? This brainstorm is certain to fill your mind with new approach ideas.

BARRIER #7: I was born shy.
Careful. Assumptions like these can actually make you more self-consciousness and hinder your approachability.

Stefan Hofmann, Ph.D., director of the Social Phobia Treatment Program at Boston University explains, ‘It may be true that people are genetically predisposed to certain characteristics, but the bottom line is that these problems can be controlled, reduced, or even eliminated.’

In other words, just because you were shy at a certain age doesn’t mean you’re stuck with that personality forever. Take Diane Darling, for example. She’s the author of the best-selling book, The Networking Survival Guide. Believe it or not, she was ‘born shy’ too. But, years ago when she started her training company, she vowed to overcome it. So, she studied, researched and practiced the principles of effective communication for years. Now, she leads seminars around the world on conquering shyness!

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Nobody has to be shy forever. There are countless resources available to help you overcome it. For starters, just go to Google and type in ‘overcoming shyness.’ About 100,000 pages will come up. That should get you started!

BARRIER #8: I am not as friendly, outgoing and extroverted as that person.
So what? That’s an unrealistic social comparison. After all, you don’t need to be like someone else; you need to be like yourself. And consider this: there are millions of people in the world who are ‘successfully shy.’ These individuals simply change the way they think and act; without changing who they are as a person. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with being shy! That probably means you’re a really good listener.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
Self confidence increases the more you give yourself positive messages. Try this: make a list called ‘Top Ten Things I Like about Myself.’ It’s a valuable exercise because many people have difficulty recognizing all their positive attributes because they’re more used to criticism than praise. So, put each of your good qualities on an post-it note and place them on your bathroom mirror. Look at them twice a day while you brush your teeth as a reminder to be supportive of yourself.

BARRIER #9: I can’t just walk up to her – she’s the CEO!
You’re not alone. Authoritarian figures are often perceived as intimidating, both to shy and outgoing people alike.

Notice I said ‘perceived.’

CONSIDER THIS: have you ever discovered (after approaching someone) that they turned out to be signifcantly more down to earth than you thought? It’s a common misconception. Bosses, managers, CEO’s, presidents, chairpersons, big shots and other head honchos aren’t as untouchable as they once were.

See, we now live and work in a culture that demands authenticity. In 2005, a study from Cornel University surveyed 6,500 hotel employees worldwide. Their research proved that organizations with employees who rated their managers as ‘authentic,’ were ‘more profitable than companies whose managers had gaps between their words and actions.’

Now, this doesn’t mean that every authoritarian figure will become your new best friend. But more often than not, starting a conversation with one of them isn’t as bad as you think.

LET ME SUGGEST THIS…
When approaching someone in a highly regarded position, remember three things. 1) Have explicit objectives in mind. 2) Respect their time, or lack thereof. 3) Link your goals to that person’s core values.

Essential to your success as an effective, engaging communicator is learning not only what to say, but what not to say. The following guide examines several sentences, phrases and questions that stand in your way of connecting and communicating with confidence.

Do you remember me?
If you walk up to someone and the first words out of your mouth are, ‘Do you remember me?’ I guarantee you will a) make them feel uncomfortable, b) pressure them into giving an answer, and c) cause them to lose face when they regretfully tell you they can’t seem to remember who you are.

Some people are good with names; others are good with faces; while others can’t seem to recall a single person they’ve ever met in their lives. But no matter what type of memory a person has, ‘forgetting someone’ is one of the most embarrassing feelings anyone can experience – especially if they’ve met you several times before.

Therefore, if you know someone doesn’t remember you, rescue them. Just tell them who you are. Odds are, deep down they’ll be signing, ‘Oh thank God he told me his name – I didn’t want to ask!’

SUCCESS SENTENCE™ #1: ‘Hi! I’m Scott with Front Porch Productions – we met last month at the Chamber Meeting when Carol introduced us.’

Here’s my card…
The rule of business cards is: don’t give it to anyone who doesn’t ask for it. It’s presumptuous. Sadly, the exchange of business cards is a ritual that our culture has de-formalized over the past 20 years. On the other hand, some high-context cultures like the Japanese view this as a sacred business ritual.

For conversational effectiveness, don’t assume that somebody wants your card. Think about it: how many times has someone given you one of their cards – without asking – to which you thought to yourself, ‘Okay…and what do you want me to do with this?’

SUCCESS SENTENCE™ #2: ‘May I give you one of my cards?’

So…what do YOU do?
According to CNN.com, the US rate of unemployment in September of 2004 was somewhere between five and six percent. Unfortunately, those are just the reported cases. So don’t overlook the possibility that the person you’re talking to is unemployed, was recently fired or is in the process of finding a new job.

Asking someone ‘So…what do YOU do?’ is an assumption. And if you utter this phrase, it may necessitate a shoehorn the size of Shaquille O’Neal to get your foot out of your mouth. Instead, ask less specific, yet open ended questions that empower an engaging response.

SUCCESS SENTENCE™ #3: ‘How do you spend most of your time during the week?’

Can you believe the weather?
I’ve read almost every book on starting conversations, mingling, breaking the ice, networking and meeting people – and I have yet to find one that doesn’t say:

‘Talking about the weather is always a good way to start a conversation.’

No it isn’t. It’s a terrible way. And just because everyone uses it doesn’t make it effective. Starting a conversation about the weather means you’ve settled for starting a conversation about the weather! This makes your conversation partner feel like you’ve settled for them too. And every time you do it, you show the other person that you aren’t a good enough conversationalist to talk about anything other than the weather.

But I have faith in you. You can do better than that. In fact, if you haven’t already signed up for the Building Front Porches Ezine – click on this link and you can download a free special report called ‘Let Me Ask Ya This: 55 Great Questions to Ask Someone You Just Met.’

SUCCESS SENTENCE™ #4: ‘What was the best part about your weekend?’

Are you a new member?
There’s only one feeling worse that forgetting someone: devaluing someone. In your organization, club, business or association – there are bound to be dozens, possibly even hundreds of members you’ve never met. That’s okay. You can’t keep a tab on everybody. People come in and out of organizations all the time, and not everyone comes to every meeting.

So don’t assume that someone is a newbie simply because you don’t know them. Even if you think ‘Oh, I know everybody,’ there are always people on the fringes. Perhaps they joined the organization five years ago. Maybe they’ve been out of town for a few months or their schedule conflicts with certain meetings or events.

SUCCESS SENTENCE™ #5: ‘I don’t believe we’ve met before – my name’s Scott.’

Combating Conversational Crappiness
Some people don’t think before they speak, and the price to pay is at the expense of their partner’s conversational comfort. But if you avoid these five communication barriers, you will be certain to make the other person you’re engaging with feel welcome and valued.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Who is the crappiest conversationalist you’ve ever met?