People communicate in three different ways.

(Well, actually, people probably communicate in a thousand different ways, but…)

It’s usually visually, auditory or kinesthetic.

And although most people have some combination of all three, one in particular is usually dominant. As a result, match your own words and speed to appeal to their communication style:

1. If you meet someone who is a visual person, they will use pictures, images and graphics to communicate. Words like ‘see,’ ‘view,’ will be in their vocabulary, i.e., ‘I see what you’re saying,’ ‘I picture this meeting as a roundtable discussion.’ These people usually speak rapidly.

2. If you meet someone who is an auditory person, they will use sounds to communicate. Word like ‘click,’ ‘hear’ will be used, i.e., ‘I hear ya!’ and ‘Sounds good.’ They speak moderately and rhythmically, like music.

3. If you meet someone who is a kinesthetic person, they will use touch and doing and action to communicate. Words like ‘contact’ and ‘hold’ are used, and they speak slowly.

NOTE: don’t confuse “communication style” with “type.”

ALSO NOTE: the word “type” is much better as a noun than it is a verb.

In other words, don’t spend all your time “typing” people, trying to figure them out based on what their style or MBTI is. Sometimes you just need to go with your gut. Adapt to each person based on what you feel. Overtyping can result in poor listening skills and, as a result, missing out on important detals. Just be careful.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Does type have an effect on approaching others?

After reviewing thousands of case studies, scientific journals, books, interviews, surveys, assessments and articles on characteristics of successful communicators, it’s unanimous which attribute stands out the most: approachability. The only problem is, there is no existing measure to discover how approachable or unapproachable you are.

Until now.

In my articles, speeches and books, I’ve explored a myriad of techniques to MAXIMIZE your approachability – one conversation at a time. However, in order to get the most out of these systems, it’s important to first understand your Approachability Quotient (AQ).

Now, before you begin to calculate your AQ, ask yourself the following three questions to get yourself into an approachable state of mind:

In less than three words, how do you define ‘approachability’?

Who is the most approachable person you know? Why?

Who is the most unapproachable person you know? Why?

With that, let’s move on and find out how approachable you really are. Please honestly answer the following 18 questions on a scale of 0-4:

The Front Porch Productions AQ Test

1) I constantly enlarge and stay in touch with my social, business and
personal network
0=not me 1=hardly at all 2=sometimes 3=often 4=that’s me!

2) I am excellent at remembering people’s names
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

3) I return calls and emails within 24 hours
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

4) I smile when I’m introduced and say goodbye to someone
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

5) I put my personality into everything I do and say
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

6) I talk to people before and after meetings, events, programs
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

7) I will listen to other people’s viewpoints and ideas, even if I don’t agree
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

8) I make sure every person in the group is involved in the conversation
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

9) I listen instead of simply waiting to talk
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

10) It’s equally easy to get a hold of me via phone, email or in person
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

11) I am comfortable introducing myself to anybody
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

12) I seek out and talk to ‘first timers’ or people I don’t know
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

13) I wear a nametag if one is provided for me
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

14) I admit when I’m wrong, don’t know, or when I’ve screwed up
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

15) I keep my arms uncrossed, even if it’s cold
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

16) I address both trivial and serious problems of coworkers or
colleagues who come to me
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

17) I verbally tell people to “call me if they need anything”
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

18) I let people finish jokes, even if I’ve heard them a thousand times
0=not me, 1=hardly at all, 2=sometimes, 3=often, 4=that’s me!

Multiply your total score by 5. This will give you an AQ between 0 and 340. Scroll down to see how you did!

0-90
Ouch. You lack approachability. Please email me – I can help!

91-180
Your approachability needs improvement. Still email me!

181-270
Your approachability is good, but could be better.

271 to 360
Congrats! Your front porch is open for business.

Now that you know your Approachability Quotient, you are ready to begin MAXIMIZING your approachability! Here are some additional resources:

1. Sign up for my bi-weekly, no-cost, no-spam email newsletter. It goes out to thousands of people around the world and is packed full of articles, blog posts, stories and examples of all things approachable!

2. Check out the books, tool kits and audio CD’s in the store. They are perfect resources to take your approachability to the next level!

3. Read any of the 60+ articles from my widely published column, Building Front Porches.

4. Hop onto HELLO, my name is Blog to see pictures, stories and examples of building front porches in action!

5. Contact me for questions, suggestions, or just to say hi. After all, I can’t tell you how to be approachable unless I am too!

As an author and professional speaker, I often meet audience members or readers who point out something so insanely obvious; I wonder how in the heck I missed it.

Ah, the wisdom of curbside observers.

Switzerland. Summer of ’05. I was hosting a workshop at a youth leadership conference. We’d just started our program, so I was only beginning to tell the teenagers about the various reactions I observed in the first few years of wearing my nametag 24-7.

Suddenly, the hand of an enthusiastic staff member shot up.

‘Yes sir,’ I said.

‘Well, it’s not really a question, but more of a comment,’ the man explained.

Forty highschoolers turned their heads towards the back of the room as he said, ‘You know why I like this whole nametag idea? Because it’s like you’re giving people PERMISSION to talk to you.’

The room fell silent.

Wow. Five years I’d been wearing a nametag 24-7, and that word never occurred to me. Permission. I liked it! And in the next few days, I realized why the word PERMISSION was so essential to approachability and communication. (See the 5 Pillars of Approachability in the middle of the model below.)

Problems Escalate without Permission
Some people would rather jump off a cliff than talk to a stranger. They’re shy, introverted, scared, uncertain, don’t know what to say and have a fear of being judged by others. So, this means they will not approach you, or feel comfortable being approached by you, unless permission is granted.

The easiest way to give permission is to smile. It’s the simplest front porch known to man. According to Irving Goffman, the father of social psychology, ‘a smile is the number one indicator that conversation is desirable.’ And it might sound incredibly obvious, but you’d be amazed how many people don’t understand the value of smiling as it pertains to giving permission.

Like my old boss, David, the Front of the House Manager at a hotel where I used to work. He was one of those ex-military types that stared people down with his eerie green eyes until they ultimately averted their gaze and allowed him to take control of the conversation. And I swear to God, he never smiled. You could crack the funniest joke in the world, and, NOTHING!

I’m not even sure if he had teeth.

Anyway, because David didn’t smile, he wasn’t giving his staff permission to talk to him. Because he wasn’t giving permission, he wasn’t approachable. And as a result, our team lacked open, effective communication. For example, I once had a problem with my hours, namely that I was working 54 of them in one week as a part time employee! But I never felt comfortable coming to David with my problem because he was just THAT unapproachable. My thought was: I’d rather suck it up and work overtime than have a conversation with this jerk. That’s how unapproachable he was.

But that only made things worse. And as the problem remained hidden from my immediate manager, it escalated. I ended up working eight out of the next nine days in a row (remember, I was a part timer!) and ultimately became so upset that I just lost it. That ultimately resulted in my resignation from the position.

Because he never gave me permission to approach him.

Signals of Permission
Here are some other ways to give the people around you permission to approach you:

*Make eye contact and greet everybody, even the people you don’t know
*Use adequate pauses in your conversation so people feel comfortable chiming in
*As you exit conversations or meeting, remind people that they can still come to you at any time in the future with related questions or ideas
*Keep your office door open to make yourself physically available, or if not, post your schedule outside the door
*Even if you’re freezing your butt off, don’t cross your arms
*Use the word ‘permission’ in conversations to deliberately remind people that they can feel comfortable approaching you

Ultimately, these interactions are about opportunity: opportunity to hear what’s really going on with your staff; opportunity to really get to know someone; opportunity to show your people that you’re really willing to listen to their ideas and problems. So, think about ways you can grant permission to the people around you. Because if you want your staff to feel comfortable and confident stepping onto your front porch, you’ve got to give them permission to talk to you.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Have you ever worked for someone who didn’t give you permission to approach?

Think about the last time you feel asleep behind the wheel. Dangerous, isn’t it? Even if it’s just for a split second, nodding off while driving puts you and the other drivers at risk.

But even when you’re not driving, it’s still possible to fall asleep behind the wheel. The conversational wheel, that is…

To avoid falling asleep behind the conversational wheel, you must avoid four behaviors. The following guide will show you how to get off at the right exit, concentrate on the road, merge into the correct lane and avoid road rage with other drivers. As a result, you will become a better driver (more approachable) so you can safely navigate the way to your final destination (connect and communicate with anybody).

Don’t Miss Your Exit
How many times have you zoomed past your exit because you were uncertain where to get off? If you drive like me, at least three times a week. Thanks for nothing, Map Quest.

The same goes for conversation. When you are uncertain, you will miss your exit, or the opportunity to make a valuable connection with someone. This uncertainty breeds from the fear of rejection – the number one reason people don’t start conversations. However, practice will make your fear fade away.

Therefore, take an active instead of a passive role in your conversations and prepare your introduction ahead of time. Think about what you will say when you meet new people. Read the newspaper for discussion points. Another effective technique is to have three open-ended questions ready in advance that will encourage self-disclosure and engagement. These ice breakers are your conversational ‘directions.’ Use them, and you won’t find yourself driving where the streets have no names.

Keep Your Eyes on the Road
One of these days, my CD player is going to get me into an accident. I’m always distracted by that darn thing!

When interacting with people, what distracts you? Other stuff on your mind? Other people to talk to? Too self-conscious? Think about the last time you were introduced to someone and forgot everything about him. Especially his name. Ouch! The reason you forgot so quickly is because you were distracted. You didn’t take a genuine interest in the other person because you were too busy thinking about #2, which is you. That’s right, you’re #2…they are #1.

Focus on the moment of introduction and repeat back key information you just heard. ‘That’s interesting Elena, I didn’t know Monsanto was expanding.’ This will widen the areas of your memory circuit and make it easier to connect and communicate with people around you. Remember, it’s more valuable to concentrate on the road than the soundtrack to the road.

Don’t Swerve Into the Wrong Lane
Isn’t it frustrating when someone veers into your lane without a signal? It’s almost as if they’ve invaded your personal space!

Conversation is the same way: it’s all about respecting personal space. People have different ‘lane’ sizes, but most social contexts adhere to the same spatial principles: 18 inches for intimate distance; 3 feet for personal distance; and 4-12 feet for social distance.

So, if you’d like to approach other people who are engaged in conversation, examine their ‘lane’ before you think it’s safe to merge. And when the time is right to join in the conversation, always remember to use your turn signals, i.e. nonverbal listening cues like nodding and eye contact; ask open ended questions based on iceberg statements or politely add an opinion or observation to show your desire to be included. Try this, and they will be happy to let you into their lane!

Don’t Promote Road Rage
Did you know that the term ‘road rage’ is in the dictionary? It’s defined as anger or violence between drivers, often caused by difficult driving conditions. However, people blame traffic for driving conditions – not their own inaccessible behaviors – for this level of discomfort and uncertainty.

Imagine some guy in the lane next to you who won’t give you space to turn. The music is blasting. He’s way over the speed limit. And he doesn’t care one bit about where you had to be five minutes ago! This is an example of a typical road rage incident.

Now think about the last meeting, event or party you attended. While driving down the road of social interaction, did you elicit road rage from other drivers? Were you unapproachable? Did you avoid eye contact? Did you forget names? Perhaps it wasn’t the traffic after all.

Drive Safe
The average American spends 72 minutes in his car every day. And although getting from Point A to Point B is necessary to maintain your daily routine, never forget that the most important trip of your day is on the road of social interaction.

Therefore, in order to drive safely, adhere to the following rules: 1) Don’t miss your exit: be aware of approaching opportunities to make valuable connections; 2) Keep your eyes on the road: focus on the moment of introduction to maintain rapport with people you’ve just met;
3) Don’t swerve into the wrong lane: offer open, nonverbal signals to those with whom you want to communicate; and 4) Don’t promote road rage: make yourself approachable so other people are comfortable in your presence.

Keep these ideas in mind and you will be certain to avoid falling asleep behind the conversational wheel.

Drive safely!

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
When was the last time you didn’t feel comfortable approaching someone?

The following questions come directly from hand-written audience evaluations from my speeches. I hope they provide you with great insight into approachability!

How can I get over fear of rejection?
First of all, you’re not alone. Fear of rejection is the #1 reason humans are terrified of public speaking, afraid to approach others, and especially, ask others out on dates. (Boy have I been there before!)

My suggestion: reps. It’s just like working out. Let’s say you did 20 reps of 50 lbs. every day for two weeks. The third week, you could easily move up to 65 lbs, right? The same goes with communication. You need reps. If you’re afraid of being rejected by someone, practice engaging with people who CAN’T reject you.

Strike up casual conversations with retail salespeople, waitresses, even bus drivers to create positive experiences that build confidence. Then, the more you experience acceptance from these people, the more likely you will be to approach others in the future.

How do you incorporate creative, open ended questions into small talk?
Obviously, you don’t want to say hello to a stranger and then ask, ‘So, what’s your favorite cereal?’ Odds are, they’ll think you’re weird! What’s important to remember is the phrasing: ‘What’s the one thing…?’ ‘What is the best part…?’ ‘How many times have you…?’

Next, listen to key phrases called ‘iceberg statements.’ These are little tidbits of info dropped by someone in a conversation under which are 90% more information about interests, values and experiences. For example, if your conversation partner says, ‘When I was climbing over the summer…’ That’s your ticket to learn more! Inquiry about those interests and the person will be happy to tell you about themselves.

How do you break the ice?
You have a few choices:

• Comment/question about the person
• Comment/question about the situation
• Comment/question about yourself
• Comment/question about something completely random

Remember: humans engage with each other for five reasons: to learn, to influence, to play, to help and to relate. So the key is: observe. Look for possible openers, funny observations that just NEED to be made, or curiosities that need to be satisfied. Engage accordingly.

How do you make a good first impression?
Boy, that’s a big one! But here are a few tips that helped me over the years. First of all, remember that time is not on your side. Different books and studies will argue the number of seconds you have to make a first impression – 10 seconds, 7 seconds, and 2 seconds – whatever. Just remember that it’s quick.

Secondly, smiling will never, ever get you in trouble. It’s the number one indicator that conversation is desirable. And it’s so easy! Practice smiling for five seconds every time you walk into a room. You might feel like an idiot, but remember: everyone looks at the person who walks into the room. They will remember whether or not you smiled.

Next, humor. I’m not telling you to crack jokes, I’m talking about humor. It’s the single greatest way to make someone feel comfortable because humor is the only international language. And self-deprecating usually works pretty well. I use that one a lot because, well, I’ve got lots of material!

Lastly, choose your emotions wisely. Mother Theresa once said, ‘People might not remember what you said, they might not remember what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.’ Therefore, the best first impressions don’t make you feel good about yourself, they don’t make someone else feel good about you, but make someone else feel good about themselves.

Do people form opinions about you before they open their mouth?
Yep. Kind of a bummer, huh? But it’s true. It’s human nature. And often times (not all the time), these split-second impressions are accurate. For example, I once saw two women walk into a bar and commented to myself, ‘Man, these girls look really mean.’

Now, I said that because they weren’t smiling, had their arms crossed and kept their hair straight down in front of their faces, almost as if they were ‘hiding’ something. (I’d never met them before.) But sure enough, a few minutes later, it turned out that they were friends of the group I was with. (Doh!)

Interestingly enough, they actually DID turn out to be mean.

Funny, huh?

What are some conversation starters and continuers?
There are four components to conversations:

1. Openers
2. Sustainers
3. Probers
4. Closers

Since we’ve already talked about openers, let’s move on to sustainers. These are follow-up questions that show interest and enable someone to continue talking. For example, ‘Really?! Wow. What did you do?’ or ‘What happened?’ or ‘So, what did that teach you?’

Probers are those specific inquiries that give someone permission to open up on an existing topic. They also show that you’re listening. For example, if you’re talking with a potential member of your organization, you might ask, ‘So, what was the best event you attended last year?”

Closers are the exit to the conversation. These depend on whether or not you’re going to see the person later that day, that night, that week, that month, some day or never. Possible lines include:

• ‘Alright I gotta chat with some other folks, but, I’m going to be around all night if you need anything.’
• ‘I’m out of here, but it was cool talking to you. I’m here every day if you ever want to stop by or have any questions.’
• ‘Hey, good to meet ya – maybe I’ll see ya around campus this week!’
• ‘Nice chatting with you, I’m sure we’ll run into each other again.’

How do you approach different personality types?
If you know a person is shy, the last thing you want to do is say, ‘Don’t be shy!’ or ‘Are you shy?’ Shy people are only shy because other people tell them they are shy. So, that doesn’t help!

Next, listen to the way someone communicates. If he said, ‘I think…’ to start most of his statements, he’s a systematic personality. He prefers order, numbers and concrete examples. On the other hand, if someone says, ‘I feel…’ a lot, that’s a heuristic communicator who prefers emotions, feelings and the like. Adjust your communication accordingly.

In the 2003 film The Life of David Gale, there’s a great scene where Kevin Spacey and Laura Linney are debating Capital Punishment:

LL: ‘And almost-martyrs don’t count.’

KS: ‘Got it.’

LL: ‘So, keep it rational.’

KS: ‘Mm-hmm…’

LL: ‘And stop that!’

KS: ‘What?’

LL: ‘Active listening. I hate active listeners. I feel like they’re too busy pretending to listen to actually hear what I’m saying.’

KS: ‘I can listen AND actively listen at the same time.’

What about you?

Ever had a conversation with someone who was (over) actively listening to you?

In other words, even though the person WAS doing all the right things…

Like smiling.
Like nodding.
Like taking notes.
Like leaning forward.
Like saying, ‘Uh huh…’
Like agreeing, ‘Yeah…!’
Like asking clarifying questions.
Like offering validation phrases.
Like restating what you just said.
Like displaying mirroring or reflection statements.

…that person still drove you crazy!

LISTEN UP: there are three dangers that can result from (over) actively listening:

1. Annoyance. If you nod TOO much, smile TOO much and agree TOO much, your customer is going not going to like you … TOO much! Use active listening techniques moderately. Don’t overdo it. Especially in highly emotional situations. Remember: just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

2. Authenticity. Avoid focusing ALL your attention on ‘coming off as a good listener.’ Just relax. The moment you TRY to be authentic is the moment you STOP being authentic. Listening is about focusing on the OTHER person’s words, and not about focusing on YOUR own abilities.

3. Negligence. Think about this: If YOU were talking to your boss and he spent the whole conversation taking notes, how would you feel? Probably like he spent too much time writing and not enough time listening. LESSON LEARNED: beware of allowing your ears to get in the way of hearing the message.

So, that’s the challenge: how do you maintain balance between active listening and (over) active listening?

THE SHORT ANSWER: moderation.

THE LONG ANSWER: grow bigger ears WITHOUT allowing them to stand in the way of what you really need to hear.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
What’s your best active listening tip?

When I walked into Dallas’s famous Y.O. Ranch Steakhouse, all I wanted to do was to enjoy my New York Strip steak, relax and quietly review my notes for the following day’s speech. Little did I know that a valuable business lesson awaited me at the table.

The only other customer in the bar was a guy sitting in the corner pounding away on his laptop. He didn’t look up when I walked in. The bartender on the other hand noticed my nametag when I arrived and yelled, ‘Hey Scott! Grab a stool and have a drink!’

I walked over as he flung a coaster down and said, ‘What’ll you have?’

‘Actually,’ I said, looking at that man in corner, ‘I have some work to do. Is it cool if I grab one of those corner tables over there?’

‘Sure, sit wherever you want,’ he said.

I sat down at the table caddy-corner from Mr. Laptop. He had one of the new Apple G5’s. Nice computer, I thought. Briefly peering over at his screen, I saw that he was working online.

‘Excuse me, but do you get high speed access in this bar?’ I asked.

‘Yeah! I’m set up with a wireless system. And it’s nice because I’d rather work here than in my hotel room.’

‘Oh yeah, I know the feeling,’ I replied. ‘That’s why I came here too.’

Pointing down at my nametag, he asked what convention I was attending. I smiled and told him, ‘Actually I always wear a nametag. It makes people friendlier and more approachable.’ He chuckled, as most people often do when I give them my standard answer to this frequently asked question.

‘Well Scott, it certainly worked on me! My name is Joachin. It’s nice to meet you.’

Joachin was a tech consultant from Orange County. He also flew in for the day to give a speech to one of his clients. Not surprisingly, we clicked instantly! And for the next hour, Joachin and I had one of those rare stranger conversations that covered just about every topic you could imagine. It was like we were old friends! And both of us seemed to have forgotten all about the work we’d each brought to the restaurant.

God I love it when that happens, I thought.

The more we got to know each other, the more it felt like our conversation could have lasted for hours. But it was getting late, and we both had big days ahead of us. So, after exchanging business cards and agreeing to drop each other a line sometime, Joachin left and returned to his hotel.

Wow! I’m so glad I talked to that guy! I said as I grabbed the notes for my speech. And as I took another bite of my steak, I also thought to myself, now wait a sec – something just happened here…

Avoid the Easy Seat
One of the principles of communication I often discuss in my workshops and books is called ‘Sitting With The Right Company.’ This idea reminds us that every new encounter represents a choice. For instance, we can walk into a meeting, a party or even a restaurant and immediately seek out the Easy Seat. That seat could mean sitting all by ourselves or perhaps with a group of people we already know.

Because it’s comfortable. That’s why it’s called the Easy Seat!

But sometimes, you need to temporarily sacrifice your comfort for the sake of your business and sit with someone new. In my experience, Sitting with the Right Company has several advantages:

Opportunity: at networking functions, unapproachable employees from the same company – who work together 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year – will always sit together. Meanwhile, other people in the room are expanding their respective networks by meeting new people. (And they wonder why business is slow!)

Education: Emerson once said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way – in that, I shall learn from him.” If you seek to expand your business; you’ve got to expand your references. Think back to every conference you’ve ever attended: all the best learning probably came from casual conversations with new people!

Practice: the best way to become a more effective networker is to practice. Even the most introverted and shy of people can become brilliant at developing and maintaining mutually valuable relationships with a few reps! Consider stepping to someone new every week, just for the practice.

Because you just never know. You never know whom you will meet, what you will learn or how it will reciprocate. Unfortunately, too many people are held captive by this comfort. And it is those people who are missing out on opportunities to enhance the net worth of their social capital. Sure, it’s easier to talk to people we already know. But there’s also something to be said for digging your well before you’re thirsty.

Ok, back to Joachin…

After I paid my check and hopped back into the cab, you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. The cab driver probably thought I was drunk! But for some reason, the conversation I had with Joachin gave me more energy than the seven dinner rolls I’d just eaten!

And MAN that was beautiful.

Now, will we become life long friends? I doubt it. Business associates? Certainly, that’s a possibility. But…will we either of us regret spending our meal talking and connecting with an exciting new person instead of sitting alone in a corner burying our noses in work?

No way. And in the end…

I was SO glad I didn’t sit at the bar.
I was SO glad I didn’t work on my speech.
And I was SO glad I DID sit with the right company.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Have you ever initiated a chance encounter that changed everything?

Your nonverbal communication talks before you do. Only seven percent of interpersonal communication is transmitted verbally—the remaining ninety-three percent speaks for itself.

And, because nonverbal communication is learned and practiced on an unconscious level, you won’t be aware that you silently scream, ‘Please don’t talk to me!’

When you enter a room full of employees, clients or friends, each of them intuitively asks one crucial question: are you approachable? If the answer is yes, the conversations in which you engage will be initiated with ease and comfort. You make new friends. You create new contacts. And you will not have to suffer through another meeting clamped to the snack table. However, if the answer is no, there won’t be any conversations! As a result, you miss opportunities to create connections and meet valuable people.

It is vital to understand some of the non-receptive behaviors that hinder your approachability. If you avoid the following six barriers to communication, you will become more accessible to the people around you. As a result, you will welcome better business and social opportunities to transform strangers into valuable connections.

Eye Avoidance
To start a conversation with a person whose eyes are fixated on the ground is about as easy as hurdling over that person! This is why numbered lights always reside at the highest part of the elevator door—so you don’t have to talk to the person next to you! You gaze at the beautiful yellow numbers ascending to the penthouse while your conversation plummets to the basement!

Your eye contact is the single most effective indicator that conversation is desirable. When you avoid it, you will be perceived as anxious, uninterested and bored with the conversation and the company.

When your eyes are focused up, down, away, at your watch, at your notes or simply off into space, nobody is going to talk to you. It’s as simple as that. Remember, eyes always talk. And they always provide valuable cues for approachability.

Lack of Smiling
If you’ve ever asked yourself, ‘Why isn’t anyone talking to me?’ odds are it’s because you didn’t smile. Of the ninety-three percent of communication that is expressed nonverbally, fifty-five percent is through your facial expressions.

When you don’t smile, you look unresponsive and unreceptive to the people around you. You look unfriendly. You look like you don’t want to be wherever you are!

Before you say hello, before you shake hands, and before you even decide to talk to someone, smile. Smile all the time. Smile until your face hurts! Then smile some more. Remember, a smile is your messenger of goodwill. A smile is your free invitation to anyone who wants to have a conversation with you. And a smile, above all, is the most contagious thing in the world.

Hand and Arm Placement
As the old saying goes, ‘You cannot say nothing.’ Nonverbal communication expresses emotion, conveys attitude and communicates your personal traits more than any language in the world! A common vehicle for this expression is through hand and arm placement.

Don’t place your hands over your face, mouth or anywhere close to your head. If you bite your nails, play with your hair or tap your fingers against your mouth, forget about it! People assume you’re engrossed in deep thought and unavailable for conversation.

Also beware of the most common, most physical nonverbal barrier: crossing your arms. Even if you’re cold, don’t do it. People won’t want to ‘bother’ you. They will form the impression that you are defensive, nervous, judgmental, close minded or skeptical. Honestly, do you want to approach someone like that?

Posture
Body language is the oldest language. For example, have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who sat down while you were stood up? It’s not easy! If you close your shoulders, turn down your wrists and palms or lean away from someone, you position yourself in a ‘rejection pose.’ This type of closed body language emits an aura of disinterest. If you are not physically open to the people around you, they will physically close the conversational door on your face!

Be certain to keep your posture commensurate with the people around you. This makes everyone feel equal. No one will be intimidated. And no one will be excluded–especially you!

Silence
Silence is a negative influence in the communication process. It creates tension and uneasiness. It makes you look shy, which isn’t necessarily true; but your silence will also be perceived by others as an indicator of disinterest or disagreement.

In regards to silence, one of the caveats to start conversations is something called diffusion of involvement. In other words, everybody thinks someone else will be the first to say hello, and then nobody says hello. And then, silence. Therefore, the longer you wait to interject, ask a question, say hello or break the ice, the more uncomfortable and unproductive the situation will become.

Involvement Shields
Why do people read the paper, listen to headphones or talk on their cell phones in at work or in public? To catch up on the news, relax and stay in contact with each other is to be human. But these involvement shields significantly decrease your approachability and result in missed opportunities to create connections.

When you use something to protect yourself from involvement with people, knowingly or not, you put up a nonverbal barrier. These barriers tell others two things: 1) you’re busy, and 2) to start a conversation with you will be an exercise in futility.

Next time you attend a meeting or event, be careful not to spend your ‘socializing time’ clamped to the snack table. Or the brochure table. Or the bar. These are safe havens for the reticent. And by ‘safe,’ I mean silent.

The only thing that stands in your way of transforming people into mutually valuable connections is you. With proper hand, arm and body position, you appear open and ready to talk. With proper eye contact and a contagious smile, you come off as friendly and polite. And, with a continual desire to break the silence without shielding yourself from interaction, others will be happy to step onto your front porch!

Some people will enter into your life and change it forever. Your newest client, best friend, most valuable colleague or even the strangest of strangers awaits the opportunity to interact with, offer help to, or learn from you. Every meeting, event, room, restaurant or public place in which you socialize offers these people to you for the low price of one attribute: your approachability.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Have you ever spent 10 minutes at the cheese table so nobody could talk to you?

People communicate in three different ways.

(Well, actually, people probably communicate in a thousand different ways, but…)

It’s usually visually, auditory or kinesthetic.

And although most people have some combination of all three, one in particular is usually dominant. As a result, match your own words and speed to appeal to their communication style:

1. If you meet someone who is a visual person, they will use pictures, images and graphics to communicate. Words like ‘see,’ ‘view,’ will be in their vocabulary, i.e., ‘I see what you’re saying,’ ‘I picture this meeting as a roundtable discussion.’ These people usually speak rapidly.

2. If you meet someone who is an auditory person, they will use sounds to communicate. Word like ‘click,’ ‘hear’ will be used, i.e., ‘I hear ya!’ and ‘Sounds good.’ They speak moderately and rhythmically, like music.

3. If you meet someone who is a kinesthetic person, they will use touch and doing and action to communicate. Words like ‘contact’ and ‘hold’ are used, and they speak slowly.

NOTE: don’t confuse “communication style” with “type.”

ALSO NOTE: the word “type” is much better as a noun than it is a verb.

In other words, don’t spend all your time “typing” people, trying to figure them out based on what their style or MBTI is. Sometimes you just need to go with your gut. Adapt to each person based on what you feel. Overtyping can result in poor listening skills and, as a result, missing out on important detals. Just be careful.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…
Does type have an effect on approaching others?

If you control language, you control thought.
If you control thought, you control conversation.
If you control conversation, you control outcomes.

Whether you’re a manager, customer service rep, sales professional or entrepreneur, these 58 Phrases that Payses will equip you with the approachable answers and persuasive probers that achieve communication success.

1. What did I not cover effectively enough? Say this in response to an ‘I’ll have to think it over’ objection.

2. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but. It’s like a secret. Appeals to someone’s natural curious tendencies.

3. Who else has an opinion on this? At a meeting, this question engages the whole group. It allows multiple inputs and shows that you’re not playing favorites.

4. Why is that so important to you? A great probing question to uncover the true motivations behind someone’s actions.

5. I am at your service. Not just for customer service professionals any more. All business professionals are at the service of their customers. Say this to reassure your client that you’ve got their back. Remind them that they can ask anything of you. Also a great phrase to use with new members of an organization, guests at a meeting or new congregants at a church.

6. You probably already know this, but…. Assumptive language appeals to someone’s intelligence and compliments him.

7. Nobody’s ever asked me that before! Shows you don’t have all the answers, nor have you heard everything before. Pause before answering. Your sincerity and honesty will be reinforced with your response.

8. I don’t know, but I can find out. Admits that you’re not a know it all. Also commits to follow up.

9. What do you see as the pluses and minuses of moving ahead? Open-ended, makes them think about both sides of their decision.

10. I’m sorry. You lost me. Great phrase to use against a know-it-all who won’t shut up. Use it to gain clarification and keep them accountable.

11. Where do you call home? If attending an out of town conference, this is a perfect follow up after an introduction.

12. I disagree. Works well if stated confidently and followed with a two second pause. It cues the individual or group of people to immediately halt the conversation and hear you out. What’s more, it’s less argumentative, abrasive and defensive than ‘You’re wrong!’ or ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Lastly, it’s an effective way to show you’re listening AND thinking about what others are saying, rather that just smiling and nodding.

13. I’m not sure I understand your point, but keep going. Also known as an ‘acceptance phrase,’ this subtle interruption doesn’t steal ownership of the conversation, yet makes the point that you’re confused.

14. What’s most important in your decision to buy (x)? Shows people how their highest values will be met by working with you.

15. Wow, you’re really upset about this. The number one way to respond to crude, rude remarks from someone who’s trying to play the ‘bait game.’ Remember, he’s just trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t get defensive or upset. If you do, he wins. Instead, try this ‘you’ statement to reverse the direction of the conversation. It shows that you refuse to take ownership of his problem.

16. You must be having a bad day. Another great way to respond to someone’s unnecessary criticism. Again, it evades ownership of a problem that’s NOT yours.

17. Have you ever thought about…? If you’re giving someone advice, offering a solution or suggesting a new idea, this phrase works well in place of the dreaded ‘should.’ People don’t like to be told what they ‘should’ do; however they do appreciate feedback. Here’s an example. Let’s say your coworker has a problem making cold calls. Instead of preaching to her, you could say: ‘In my experience, our customers hate to be called before lunch.’ Then you would suggest, ‘Have you ever thought about making your calls in the afternoon?’

18. I’m working on a new idea. Appeals to someone’s curiosity. Encourages someone to get involved on the ground floor. They take ownership and get on board with you, from a simple project within your department to a large corporate initiative.

19. My job is to make you look like a hero. My friend Carol taught me this one. I once used it on a new client and she said, ‘Oh thank God! I’m new here.’ Great line to offer to a low level, recent hire that wants to impress her boss. Reassures her insecurities about her new job.

20. Here’s the challenge. Keeps someone on point in your conversation. Makes them interested in what you have to say next.

21. What’s the story behind that? Open-ended question that usually elicits a great answer. Easy way to learn a lot about someone. Plus, everyone loves a good story.

22. Wow, I really didn’t anticipate that. World-renowned author and sales trainer Stephan Schiffman explains that this phrase levels the playing field. The next line is, ‘Why not?’ at which point you explain why you thought otherwise. Then you ask where you went wrong. Then the prospect clarifies his objection. AWESOME!

23. What’s really bothering you? A probing inquiry that digs deeper; yet shows concern for a more pressing issue. Most often, there’s always something that’s REALLY bothering them.

24. Hang on; I want to write this down. Great in person, greater on the phone (since they can’t see you.) It’s the difference between showing and telling. This phrase lets them know you’re listening, taking notes, and encourages them to offer more detailed answers.

25. Excuse my annoying typing; I just want to get all this stuff down! Similar to the above example. Polite, humorous way to subtlety demonstrate active listening while on the phone.

26. Well actually, that’s why I’m calling. Perfect for any objection. ‘We’re already happy with our present supplier.’ ‘Well actually, that’s why I’m calling.’ ‘We don’t use copy machines in our office.’ ‘Well actually, that’s why I’m calling.’ ‘My boss says you’re a huge jerk and a horrible businessperson and don’t deserve to live.’ ‘Well actually, that’s why I’m calling.’

27. Does this all make sense? Keeps someone on point, offers an opportunity for him to ask questions, interject, or tell you to continue. Don’t overuse it, however, or he will think you’re insulting his intelligence.

28. What questions have I not answered for you? Been using this one for years. Always at the end of the conversation. Usually gets the other person to suggest something I never thought of. Also shows humility that you may or may not have explained everything. Gives them a chance to chime in.

29. What’s on your mind? More emotional, open ended and specific than ‘What’s up?’ ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘How are ya?’ Besides, nobody can answer this question with the word ‘F.I.N.E.’ which is actually an acronym for ‘Feelings I’m Not Expressing.’

30. Talk to me. Short, direct, and to the point. Shows you’re prepared to listen. Shows that you’re personally and physically available to them. Great when used with a double handed ‘come here’ gesture. (Try this right now, just for fun.)

31. I can tell something is bothering you. Of course, only use this when you’re SURE something is bothering her. But by explaining that you already know she’s ticked, she’s more likely to open up to you.

32. Wow, I’m surprised at you saying something like that. According to Changing Minds, a non-profit website dedicated to persuasion techniques, being surprised or shocked not just at what the other person says, but also at the person themselves, puts them into a morally lower position (and, by implication, you in a higher position).

33. What larger problems do these symptoms suggest? People with multiple concerns usually skate around the big issue. Give them a chance to show you the trees AND the forest.

34. Listen carefully to what I’m about to say. Appeals to curiosity, gets them to perk up, highlights a key point. Shows you mean business.

35. The next thing I’m going to say will surprise you. People can’t help but listen closer.

36. Did I miss anything? Another clarifying remark. Gives someone a chance to fill in the cracks. Shows you’re open to additional comments and not so close-minded to assume you covered everything.

37. I’m sorry; I’ve been talking too much! Admits that you’re aware of the way others perceive you. Puts the ball in their corner. Another great demonstrator of listening skills.

38. Enough from me, what about you? Another version of the previous example.

39. I’m done talking – your turn! Another version of the previous two examples.

40. You’re making me feel uncomfortable. When you tell someone exactly and honestly how you feel, he or she can’t possibly tell you that you’re wrong! According to an article from Syque, an online psychological knowledge bank, we often avoid the truth, either because it is uncomfortable for us or (and often even more so) because it might be uncomfortable for the other person. Face-saving social rules means that we will avoid telling the truth if we think it might hurt the other person. People may take advantage of this, asserting a truth in the hope that you will say nothing.

41. Give me a minute to think that over. Use this phrase instead of an awkward pause or vocal fillers like ‘Uh,’ or ‘Hmm.’ This also gives you sufficient time to collect your thoughts and answer more intelligently. Because if you fall prey to answering right away just for the sake of answering right away, you answer will probably SUCK…right away.

42. I give you my word. Amazingly, I can only recall one person ever saying this phrase to me. It was the former VP of Monster.com. A few months back we met briefly (on an escalator, in fact!) to discuss possibly working together. When our conversation ended he said, ‘Scott, I’d love to have you contribute articles to our career database. You have my word.’ Wow, did that make me feel good! Plus, I got the job. Woo hoo!

43. I’m your partner in this. Known as a ‘Together Phrase,’ this sentence reassures your colleague or staff member. It also keeps you personally accountable by verbally declaring ownership.

44. What needs to be done immediately? Creates a ‘first things first’ attitude. You can even spice it up with an idea quota, i.e., ‘What three things need to be done immediately?’ This phrase puts an idea, project or plans to work right away. It also models and encourages initiative.

45. You must be very proud of that. Psychologically speaking, most men have at least some insecurity of status. Use this phrase to acknowledge and recognizes his achievements.

46. That’s my favorite problem! Sales guru Jeffrey Gitomer suggests using this whenever an upset customer calls with a complaint. It diffuses their anger and forces a positive attitude to be taken by both parties.

47. Is that a fair question to ask? This follow up question helps you (a) maintain control of the conversation and (b) confirm the validity of your question. (Not that your first question sucked. It’s just nice to reinforce the fairness of it.) Also, this follow up question increases the probability of getting a honest answer. Most of the time, someone will say, ‘Yeah, it is,’ then give you their response. However, if they say, ‘Actually, that isn’t a fair question because…’ then, great! You now know where you suck. Never ask that question again.

48. Did I catch you at a good time? Although it sounds super salesy – especially over the phone – it does show someone that you respect her time. Use ‘good’ time instead of ‘bad’ time in order to force the positive.

49. This has been a good meeting. You can always end with this. Even if the meeting included arguments, problems and the like, closing on a positive note reassures someone that good things are to come.

50. See what I mean? Use this with a visual learner to elicit the best response.

51. Do you hear what I’m saying? Use this with an auditory learner to elicit the best response.

52. Do you feel me on this one? Use this with a kinesthetic learner to elicit the best response.

53. Let’s continue this conversation. The key word here is ‘conversation.’ This indicates your desire to create and maintain a mutually valuable relationship in which ideas can be freely exchanged. It’s almost like putting a verbal bookmark on your interaction. Great for networking events when you meet someone you’d like to talk to in more detail without monopolizing her time. Also great for singles looking to extend an initial encounter into something more.

54. You were right. Psychologist and best selling author David Lieberman believes this sentence will guarantee you a call back. First of all, it appeals to the person’s ego. Everybody loves to be right! Secondly, it shows that you’re human. You’re willing to admit when someone else is right. Lastly, if someone isn’t sure what it is you’re referring to, they’ll call back just to clarify!

55. What’s the next step? Not only a great closer, but also a way to motivate someone. Even if you actually know what the next step is, this phrase will encourage someone to verbally commit to taking action.

56. I appreciate you. My friend John Milton Fogg, best selling author and MLM guru uses this line in every email, every conversation and every letter. I LOVE it. It’s amazing how different (and more powerful) that phrase is when compared to ‘I appreciate that.’ Think about it: I appreciate THAT, or I appreciate YOU. Nice one, John.

57. I’d be happy to. When I worked for Ritz Carlton, I was trained to say this as a response to every request. Not ‘more than happy to,’ and not ‘no problem,’ but ‘I’d be happy to.’ It’s such a simple addition to mundane phrase, but WOW, does it sound ten times better!

58. You’ve got my attention. Immediate indicator that you’re listening. Also compliments the other person’s ability to captivate you.

LET ME ASK YA THIS…

What are your best phrases that payses?